I was blindsided by an uncomfortable phone call tonight. The guy I’ve been seeing called to tell me that he could no longer see me because he’s seeing somebody else. He’s decided to become serious with her, rather than me. I wanted to dispute it. I wanted to yell. I wanted to deflect what he was saying to me and project it onto him.
But I didn’t. Instead, I listened.
I’m not going to disclose the details of our relationship because they are irrelevant. We’ve all experienced strong feelings, intimacy and an unexplainable connection with another person. I’ll leave it at that. But just three days ago, he was intimately sharing his feelings with me, while suggesting that these feelings were unrivaled. Perhaps that’s the wrong adjective because his feelings were rivaled – for someone he’s apparently been feeling even stronger for.
This pretty much ruins the sentiment. Or does it? No. I won’t let it. Instead, I’m going to allow myself to feel. I’m not going to judge my experience and question everything he said to me. It was real in the moment as I experienced it, just as the emotions I’m feeling now are real. I choose to stay present for them.
I was raised in an honest and open environment, so sometimes I am baffled by conniving, manipulative and dishonest behavior. Maybe it’s naivety, or maybe it’s the opposite. Loyalty. Integrity. Truth. I refuse to believe that these qualities are scarce. There is abundance. There is always abundance. If I think that there’s a shortage, then there will be. Instead, I’m going to carry out abundance. If I continue to practice these qualities, than I give others the chance to reciprocate them.
Friends have said, “Fuck him, he’s an asshole. You deserve better.” That just makes me sad. I don’t want to be bitter and resentful.
He’s a person who has complexities of his own, a mind and a heart and a whole life in which I don’t know how it feels to exist in. That doesn’t mean I have to give him power or devalue my self worth. It’s the exact opposite. Instead, I’m going to continue to be vulnerable. I refuse to close the curtains and shut everybody out. If I do that, I’ll only hurt myself and hinder my experiences going forward.
I’m sick of being mean to myself. Screw that. Instead, I’m going to love myself. I’m going to stay open. I’m going to let the world in. I choose to treat myself the way I want someone to treat me. One of my favorite Oscar Wilde quotes sums this up brilliantly: “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” I’m bracing myself because I’m in for an incredible ride.
I choose listening. I choose feeling. I choose abundance. I choose vulnerability. I choose love. The beauty is that we have the choice.
So instead…what will you choose?